Self Distract

Okay, I just wanted to say “Clear and presenter danger.” Let’s you and I see if there’s any chance I’ve got something to back that up. I think I have. Earlier this week, a friend did me the favour of alerting me to how a show called “The Piano” was about to start on Channel 4. She didn’t then do me the favour of admitting that she soon gave up on it. I’m not going to say that I only watched because of her, because she might hear me. Instead, I’ll tell you I watched because of her, and because…

So it’s been on my mind to tell you that when Nigel Farage made his faux resignation speech this week, I was in the House of Commons. I had it in my head to quote you a line from “The Mary Tyler Moore Show” by Mary Kay Place, where Mary insists that “I’ve been around… well, alright, I might not have been around, but I’ve been nearby.” Only, I like that line and I don’t like talking about Farage. Plus while I did actually think he was in the same building making that speech, he was in fact half…

So apparently there’s this new film, right, called “Young Washington”, and at the end of it, Kelsey Grammer talks directly to the audience. It’s not as if the film is breaking the fourth wall with a character suddenly turning to us, it’s more a separate advert that will presumably be ditched when this thing finally goes to streaming. But it’s Kelsey Grammer, he’s talking to the audience, and he’s asking them to buy more tickets to this film, whether or not they then go see it again. “With your…

I’ve had a good week — I signed a book contract — but there was one part of one conversation that was miserable and I keep thinking about it. A writer nearing the end of her university course asked me about joining the Writers’ Guild and at one point said that emerging writers who do not use AI are at a disadvantage, I think even that they are left behind. Now, that reads as if she were arguing in favour of AI and she was not at all. She was asking about it because this is how the industry…

Writing never changes, it is always and forever one word after another, and it doesn’t matter if it’s the first time you’ve written the words “Chapter One” of the fiftieth time you’ve written the phrase “Fade Out”. And yet the writing does change. I can’t yet say what this is, but I got sent a contract yesterday for a writing project I’ve been officially working toward for a few months, and unofficially working toward for, well, my entire writing career to date. So, you know, no pressure. And…

I did not know until one minute ago that this line was written by Ian Fleming, and I did not remember until one minute ago that it begins with the word “happenstance”. It’s a fine word. But the line is that “once is happenstance, twice is coincidence, three times is enemy action.” You know the line, even if you only half-remember it like me and just imagine writing a line that gets even half-remembered. I adore that I half-remembered it, went to check, and learnt all this. I cannot get enough…

Last Saturday, I had to wait 90 minutes at my barber’s. Obviously I’m not complaining, in fact it was good to see a local business being busy and especially so when I’ve often been there at times where my greying hair on the floor would be indistinguishable from tundra blowing by. But this time I was in a hurry and there wasn’t anything I could do, so I had to sit there for that hour and a half. True, I worked on various things to do with a book I’m producing, and I read a bit of a novel, read…

This image is a view of Lowlands University from “A Very Peculiar Practice” by Andrew Davies. The show is now on the BBC iPlayer to mark 40 years since its first transmission, which means it’s also four decades since I used to sit so very unhappily while facing exactly that view. For while the show actually filmed in two different universities, the main one and the one with this view, was Birmingham University. I didn’t attend Birmingham University and while I’ve spoken there, I’ve presented…

I can’t claim to have known actor Michael Keating, who died this week, but I did interview him once and we did have at least one phone chat. And I want to tell you about that chat. Not because of what was said, I imagine now that it was just about arranging the time for the in-person interview, but because of precisely when it happened. Please picture me taking notes as I watched an episode of Blake’s 7. Specifically, I’m sitting at the end of our couch, my MacBook is on the arm to my side, my…

So I did this thing yesterday, I had a tune in my head, just ten notes or so, and for the first time in my life, I automatically went to my piano to try to work out what they were. Now, I failed, and now, I have not one thin clue how I thought I could do this since at present “Chopsticks” is beyond my grasp, but I tried. And most significantly to me, I went to the piano as automatically as I might to a keyboard to write on. I concluded, briefly, that I am now a musician. I concluded, even more…

So there’s this book idea, right, and I first pitched it in the 1990s but not only couldn’t get anywhere with it, someone else did. They got a book published on precisely the same non-fiction topic and all these years later, I still remember my first thought when I got it: they’ve queered the pitch for everyone else. Flash forward to now and it’s not as if I’ve sold that book proposal, but I am close. Close enough that all reason and logic says the pitch is done and the contract should be on…

Nothing you ever learn is wasted, even if it’s originally trivia and over time becomes pointless. I’m not selling this very well. But I did a thing this week and without any conceivably connection to anything I happen to have picked up before, there was a connection and I’ve been fixating on it. All I did was have a week off. Mostly. Actually, pretty close to entirely. And I quickly found myself having to check what day was which, I was quickly living at odd hours of the day. I had a bad…

It feels like a badge of honour. Years ago I was fired from ITV’s Crossroads, today I’ve been banned by TikTok. I’m a rebel. I’m dangerous. I’m bad. You thought you knew me, but this is a whole other side I’ve kept hidden. I know how to battle social media, and I’m just crazy enough to do it. Okay, it’s more likely a server error, but still, I’m having to appeal the decision and everything. All I do on TikTok, by the way, is post a version of the short tip videos I make for my 58keys YouTube…

Only this week, someone compared my piano playing to that of Rachmaninoff’s. To be precise, they said: “He’s not as … Continue reading →

This is on my mind. Some many years ago now, I was at a story meeting for ITV’s revival of … Continue reading →

Self Distract: Mono a mono This is: idiotic mistake + time = deeply useful. While this is actually about something … Continue reading →

I have no problem with calling a helpline from where I am in England and getting support from a woman … Continue reading →

“Passata non grata” has nothing to do with what I want to talk to you about today, it’s just that … Continue reading →