Rambling

This month's book was Woodworking by Emily St. James, of which I need to finish writing my long emotional post about. I had reached out to a book club member about this book because I wanted to talk to another gender diverse person about it, and we have plans to talk about it later (maybe I'm becoming their friend? honestly at this point I'm now like worrying that I won't even have enough to talk to them about waaaaaaah), but the group format here meant that I felt really awkward and hardly…

Gave up on something today!! Finally. I spent about 14 days or so on it, which is actually less than I thought but probably still too long for what this was. At least now I've learned a bit of Blender (but I haven't gone through the 4-hour donut tutorial, and I don't think I will for now. Next time I want to model something in Blender I'll warm up with that). I think if anyone actually saw what I modeled they would 100% say that it was not worth 14 days of work, even if that work included…

Blender is kicking my ass and all night I kept dreaming about the next steps in attempting 3D modeling. As a result, when I arrived, I didn't even really ask people how they were doing or anything (I generally forget unless I'm asked first, and then sometimes I still forget! augh!) and just took out my computer and started clicking away. I barely talked to anyone, but as usual, other people seem a lot more tuned into what's going on in the area, so I osmosis a bit. Living under my rock... I…

The answer to this question might be somewhere if I dug into how one changes from a "fixed mindset" to a "growth mindset," but having not read the literature, I'm left asking this question to myself in my current constellation of thoughts. Current things I'm mulling over: 1.I've resumed reading How to Deal With Emotionally Explosive People by Albert J. Bernstein, which I started because I realized I was sinking so much time into placating people who were having emotional explosions, and I also…

I didn't finish this book because life kicked my ass. Main thesis, though: Feminism is not necessarily free from harming others, depending on the branch. There is such thing as imperialist feminism, for instance, TERFs, etc. This isn't really a surprise when you think about why "intersectional feminism" needed to become a term, but people often "no true scottsman" about this and refuse to accept that there are branches of feminism that are white supremacist aka racist, and at times specifically…

I honestly didn't think I was going to finish this book due to being in the Stress gauntlet for the past month. Luckily for me, audiobooks are there to the rescue, even though you also trade some comprehension away for it. Regardless, I probably wouldn't have finished reading this otherwise, much like I didn't finish reading Enemy Feminisms...which reminds me that I should probably dump whatever thoughts I have about that one too really quick and hand in my "GAVE UP BECAUSE OF LIFE, SORRY"…

I still don't feel like I'm studying fast enough and I don't know how to pace myself. This is so sad. I just don't want to be stuck here for like another 9 months because I'm so desperate to prove that I'm capable at something. That I'm doing something that scared me before, and I'm a new person who won't waste their time on being in places ze doesn't like, talking to the wrong people. I know some of this is time-hoarding and my typical OCPD fixation on efficiency but I think there's also a…

This month's book was Perfect Victims by Mohammed El-Kurd. We had a fair number of new people. What surprised me was that out of two people who were new and happened to be sitting together last time, the one that didn't talk as much was the one who returned this time. Maybe that just goes to show you can't really know what going on in people's lives and their relative commitment, even if they appear really enthusiastic. I wonder if anyone has thought that about me too since I'm also really…

My dad visited for 10 days. I was already dreading this from the beginning, especially since it was coming on top of a bunch of other recent stressors, and the first few days I was coping really bad. I'd get so frustrated with him inside while trying to play my part on the outside, dealing with his typical self-centered habits as he proclaimed up and down about how he doesn't like to bother people. I cried maybe once. About six days in, I got tired of my mask and got kind of short with him…

Arrived 10 minutes early and felt kind of weird. I find that sometimes I think about things I could tell other people about my life that would be real and vulnerable -- like how stressful my life has been recently with flea cleaning, my sister's constant downer mood due to stuff blowing up at her abusive job even more than usual, my mom telling us she was going to visit only 2 weeks ahead and then flaking on us a few days before, my dad visiting in May, the 4th cat we're supposed to be gaining…