Alter

I was waking up and doing the thing that you’re not supposed to: looking at my phone. Not so much doomscrolling but maybe catching up with texts. I didn’t have anything to catch up to so, as I do lately, I started going through my chat list to see how I feel about the people, the photos, our last interaction, how long it was. Today I looked at one thing I haven’t thought of, that I know young people do: how my contact’s names display for me. I never quite got how to handle that for things like…

I'm going through changes. One of the heaviest is that I couldn't make love work so I'm mourning the now finished relationship. I'm living in a new apartment and I enjoy being here. Some nights are long and full of terrors, mostly related to health issues I had to go through a year and a half ago. I'm mourning that as well. I see people recovering faster than me. I make that comparison. It's stupid. My mind does that. I noticed lately that we have this eternal holy war were it says things to me…

I was writing in my annonymous blog and trying to fight my mind which was trying to convince me we're not good enough. I wrote how we changed our routines and we're in the best place we've ever been. We even have what I like to call my 4 pillars of health. This holy war between my mind and my self is never over and may never will be. Regardless, here's my 4 pillars in case it inspires someone (no particular order because you really can't define an order, it varies according to your life):…

Around 15 minutes ago I finished excercising. Why this matters to me: I was feeling guilty for not attending my calistenics class yesterday. Most of my night terrors are health related. I mean, not really like something's happening but more like my mind shouts that we should be worried. It is actually medically prescribed to me as part of my health treatment. And yes, you could and you should prescribe it yo yourself, I'm that kind of person now. I have probably more reasons but those are the…

I've made an anonymous blog. This one is anonymous enough you may say. And you may be right. But you also may not. I've made a private blog. There's a section for this in the Bear Blog Docs. I wasn't trying to make a private blog but I stumbled upon that page, and then I did. It feels... like freedom. When you disallow the discoverability it seems that you also disallow the upvote button. I also disallowed robots. Not sure if it works with agents but whatever, I could not care less. Or maybe I…

I was feeling a little nervous. Maybe more than a little. I’ve been like this for the past month. I went through a breakup. The worse one yet. And I’m in my 40’s. A this age every breakup takes a toll. Anyways, I checked my vitals, everything seemed fine, my neck was still choking me, or so I felt like it. So I decided to breathe and try to reconnect with ny zen or whatever I’ve sucessfully been doijg for the last couple of years. I used to be able to meditate for quite some time. Today, I set…

I’m dealing with some stress these days and sometimes I get really anxious. Like anxiety episodes. So I may use some prescribed clonazepam but mostly I talk to people. These episodes tend to happen at night (I believe there’s even a scientific explanation for this) so I’m usually not able to have in person chats but I can have multiple digital chats and audio messages. Bless technology, I guess. Fortunately I have quite a lot of people willing to listen and respond so I may overlap what I say…

I've been having a rough couple of days. Emotionally speaking. Some things are going sideways and I feel obliged to comply with duties that are leaving me in something like house arrest. However, today is Monday. Usually one of my two best days of the week. Mondays are usually short because I have to commute to my therapy sessions. Short, But but "packed" with peace. I'm usually alone, in silence, I have my reflection space, and the commute to and from. So today, having money on my bus card,…