The Shape of Absence

As I began understanding myself better, I realised that my understanding of the world is inverted. I understand almost everything through its absence rather than its presence. If you ask me what kind of furniture you should buy for your house, my mind doesn't imagine the perfect piece of furniture. Instead, it imagines a house without any furniture and concludes that anything would be better than nothing. I don't picture what would look beautiful. I simply recognise that furniture ought to exist. My mind understands furniture through its absence, not its presence. I didn't realise this until a few years ago, perhaps when I became disciplined enough to write down my thoughts. I discovered that I have no innate understanding of many things. Most of them involve making choices, setting boundaries, and experiencing love. What I do understand, in extraordinary depth, are hate, indifference, apathy, disgust, trauma, and personality disorders. I can take you to the depths of those emotions,…