Went too far back

Last edited 11 minutes ago. It's 3 AM and I can't sleep. Thinking too much. Going over my life, trying to reach into the recesses of my pitiful memory. Today I had a very bad reaction tied to negative feedback. At first I thought: wow, I'm doing so much better with RSD... until this 1 AM meltdown happened. Ha. What's really striking me is how much worse life has gotten. I guess when you come from shit, every little step is a small victory, a relief, an improvement. But when you come from good parents and they die, when you had a good extended family and they fall apart, when you had enough money to get buy and now not even that... Well, the only way is down. I guess life's just gonna get worse and worse until I finally die. Something also on my mind is how I'd never really had a celebrity crush on my youth. I always faked a few here and there to not look too weird. But damn. Now in my 30s this shit is real for the first time and I hate it that I love it. I feel numb to everything…