And the mind traps continue

I still don't feel like I'm studying fast enough and I don't know how to pace myself. This is so sad. I just don't want to be stuck here for like another 9 months because I'm so desperate to prove that I'm capable at something. That I'm doing something that scared me before, and I'm a new person who won't waste their time on being in places ze doesn't like, talking to the wrong people. I know some of this is time-hoarding and my typical OCPD fixation on efficiency but I think there's also a pressure to try to prove it to myself that I'm capable of change and I'm different now and I can actually take charge of my life and center the things I want instead of what I think other people want, and what I want right now more than anything is to not have to be tethered to my dad or anyone else out there that I don't want to be. I want the option to walk away and form my own space, and to do that I need money. And boundaries, but that part is easier... except when financials are involved. The…