coldscars

I believe you when you say I am good for a while a good day, I think until someone else paints a different picture not ugly in an obvious way only slightly unsettling enough to make me doubt if I am the monster in this story and someone else the victim only responding to the terror

you think the news will be devastating yet all I feel is calm didn't expect that did you?

to take all the steps and see I'm still the same old me scared and shaking indentations from teeth on the inside of my cheek how lucky you don't see me now how lucky you don't see

I look at you with softening eyes the corners of my mouth lifting into a smile that doesn't look like one if you're not paying attention I look at you with softening eyes and you don't even know

you say I can do whatever I want and I lose the ability to speak as if I don't remember so clearly the consequences of the last time I did so out of proportion and one year later I haven't heard a single sorry

the green floods in through the windows the colour turning deeper in the darkness of your room you're enveloped in its comfort the calm it brings undisturbed only the forest creatures outside recognize your shape moving where the cool night air doesn't quite reach they see you waiting for what, they do not know

kasvokkain, pehmeinä raukeita katseita sylikkäin, lämpiminä helliä kuiskeita sisäkkäin, herkkinä kuumia tunteita

hope flickers like the tiny light in the glass pumpkin I bought to bring joy hope flickers through the dread of taking a leap way beyond comfort hope flickers even when doubt tries to take over it just flickers on

a day of pain then the fog clears and there you are

the same words same thoughts picking up speed something will soon spill out

I'm on the verge of believing what the dreamer in me keeps whispering there is a light much brighter ahead so just go

rain has stopped but water keeps dropping in a single spot outside my bedroom window a steady rhythm tempting sleep I keep avoiding for no good reason except yearning always the yearning

I sit by the window and knit the light slowly dimming still enough to see you sit with me with a book and a cup of tea your mind is busy but your heart is here my feet on your lap your idle hand gently on me just before dark your eyes find mine and with a subtle smile you set the book aside

soft and comfy they are in their little bubble the world around can keep moving and it does always moving they're just two dots together slowly swaying amidst the chaos

the dark clouds follow me but won't give me rain to hide my tears I consider taking the longer route that narrow path deeper into the woods walk to the farthest point scream, then wonder how far will my lake carry my grief?

I don't want to perform this life I don't want to participate in the attempts to distract me from feeling I don't want to hold it together I don't want to hold myself together but no one else will no one else will

it feels wrong that I can leave my plate unsupervised on the table it feels wrong that the pet store is having a sale and I can't go pick a new toy it feels wrong that I can leave the house and not have a reason to hurry back it feels wrong that in the dark I try to see the shape of a sleeping dog and then remember

I burrow my hand into the thick fur on the back of your neck you relax and breathe a long sigh of relief we've come a long way since the days you let out a tiny growl when I tried to hug you and the days I cried exhausted from all your shenanigans when I picked you up as a puppy you had bite marks on your tiny head and I thought: "poor baby's been bullied must be the runt of the litter" only to see very soon you were the fiery one all along with the coolest star shape on your chest you were the…

I can't do this again sit here shattered met with nothing but cold the same pain but not shared not carried together even if I try and try and try and cry, finally how dare I make this about me

the moment where sadness shouldn't be present that hurt I can't share no one can carry it for me I lock the door and hold my breath you have taken another piece of me whistling while I gather myself

the nights are getting darker I try not to think about it the air feels like a shift away from summer already, again and I'm still here time is cruel, it won't stop not even for a moment it's a train refusing to wait that I gather the courage and jump aboard

the pine soap bursts in a bright white foam under bare feet disappearing prints on soaking wet cotton weave arms tender, knees sore a persistent horse fly as company I'm seven again helping the best I can the smell of pine soap sticking to skin even though the lake soon calls to me as it does and I answer as I do

1 a.m. falling asleep on one side of the bed my head full of silence I have to learn how to send my most vivid images through the distance instead

all this talk about feasts has me hungry and whatever I have at home won't be enough that one crucial chomp will stay missing

I sink my toes in sand and think of you collect a pebble think of you again gather my skirt and walk in the water still thinking of you I can't shake you like the dried sand between my toes nor would I want to

last night in my dream you kissed my foot the oddest occurrence yet in that moment the shockwave it sent would make any other act pale in comparison and even awake now my cheeks are flushed heartbeat elevated

I watch you in lively conversations with everyone else I watch you looking everywhere else but here I watch you not even register I am talking one of these days I will watch you realise I no longer ask if you're even listening

the first morning light when waking up is a delight first time in ages

I stay up late writing you stay up late reading we don't sleep the story goes on

I am a warm place the little shop of incense next to the fruit stand blueberry in my hair with a hint of herbs and earth raspberries and cream on the skin layered with pumpkin and spice on top a touch of amber sandalwood and warm vanilla hidden underneath notes even more mysterious not every nose can catch