alieniloquy

today, at long last, i deleted my tumblr (and the email that at this point was only associated with it and has long since been relegated to spam). i logged into it on my phone this morning, just to do some nostalgia fueled scrolling on the platform that originally was very inspiring and just generally felt good. i found immediately that i didn't resonate with it anymore at all. it wasn't the same tumblr that existed when i was in my late teens, early 20s, circa 2009-2014, and i realized that it…

well, after a few days of a heat wave that had us sweating through 100+ degree temperatures, its finally a comfortable temperature again. in the past week and half i've moved back in with family as i inch closer to beginning a new job that i am both excited by and nervous about. it feels much better to be back near all my family though, and to be in my home state of massachusetts again. i think a lot of my anxiety stems from anticipating what something will be like before it happens, and that's…

Life has been a little hectic lately. I've been spending most of my time finding someone to take over my apartment, packing, and getting ready for my move back to the Boston area. I'm excited to start my new job, and even more excited to be around my family again. I think I shared a little bit about my ambivalence in taking this job, but I'm generally glad that I did end up accepting it. It may not be what I want to do for the rest of my life, but it doesn't have to be. The deeper I get into…

For the past two years or so, I've been mistakenly getting emails from a church somewhere in Virginia. I've never been to this town, let alone this church. (For the record, I'm not really religious either, haven't been to church since I was a kid). It looks like its somewhere out near the Blue Ridge Mountains, and I'm still not sure how they accidentally got my email. My guess is that someone who is part of that church has a very similar name or something. Anyways, for these past two years,…

well, i had a third interview for this other job, the one up in boston, near my family. it went well, except now, after learning more about this role and how its different than my current role, i keep having this nagging feeling that i shouldn't want it, that i should stay where i am and just get a room mate. the more i thought about it, the more that felt like what i should do. moving is such a chore, and so expensive, and i've finally settled in here a little bit and have made some really…

From Bernadette Mayer's collection, titled, Bernadette Mayer Reader. Lookin Like Areas of Kansas "We had our first cucumber yesterday". – Nathaniel Hawthorne New England is awful The winter's five months long The sun may come out today but that doesn't mean anything There are Yankees Men & women who cant talk They wear dark colors & trudge around, all in browns & greys, looking up at the sky & pretending to predict all the big storms Or else they nod wisely Yup, a northeaster The sky turns…

the week has been heavy, and to add to it, the weather has been stormy, humid, 70-80 degree days. the air feels like moving through wet sand, textured and thick, slowing me down more than i want to. it hasn't all been tough though, and the slow down has really been good for me to really think intentionally about my days. my mom recently had a colonoscopy, where they found a small mass of cancer. that has been the heavy, dark cloud in my life currently. fortunately, the doctor's say it is…

well, it always surprises me how much difference a day can make in how i'm feeling. i don't feel as hopeless anymore. the rain is pattering down on the panes of glass in the window next to me, i'm still feeling pleasantly buzzed from the few beers i had earlier at a photo meet up at a brewery, and i talked to a lot of other photographers and just altogether felt more seen and appreciated than i do at my day job. i need to make more of an effort to reach out to these people i've met, and grow…

its been a while since i've journaled or blogged, and i've noticed i feel less present with myself. i also am using my phone again as a "smart phone", rather than a dumbed down minimalist interface. it still feels okay though, and that is because i still don't have any social media platforms that suck me into a doomscroll. yes, i have more on my phone than i did a month ago now, including email, news, and the ny times games, but none of that is necessarily short form content. that is what…

I've always loved escapist fiction. For as long as I can remember, I've immersed myself in grandiose series to distract from my every day life. It makes sense, having had my parents divorce when myself and my sibling were very young. Anywhere seemed better than where I was. My teacher's in middle school had to confiscate my Lord of the Rings book, and upon getting back after school, I went home to paint miniatures of all my favorite characters, staging games on a table top with hand made…

I didn't sleep that well last night, but eventually fell into a slumber that felt renewing in the early hours of pre-dawn. I was kept awake (and has been the case for the better part of the past few months) with thoughts regarding my general purpose in life, this world, everything. I love being here in Richmond, and have made some really wonderful friendships, gained a lot of professional experience, but I still don't feel at home here. I'm constantly feeling homesick for New England (as I've…