gritted teeth optimism

Plenty of things in my life were survived out of spite and a tensed jaw. I used to be embarrassed how my optimism didn't really feel like optimism. When I convince myself it'll work out, I barely felt anything resembling hope or confidence, only a clench. I wouldn't call it denial/pessimism, because I can see the issue clearly. It isn't blind faith either, which asks for a surrender I've never been good at. In short, I don't utterly convince myself things will all turn out well, but I also refuse to submit to the worst outcome without a fight. You don't have to feel hopeful to behave hopefully. Once, a friend of mine was visibly falling apart, and when I looked at her with concern, her voice cracked, how It's all going to be fine. That tone - it belonged to someone whose last remaining fight is convincing themselves to push through. I always believed hope came first and the behavior followed. Often, it goes the other away. I act first and let the feeling catch up, if it catches up at…

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