on hurting others

I've spent a great deal of mental energy ruminating about things I've said and done. Those thoughts that come when I lay down in bed or have any real moment of silence. Replaying my words, practicing other things I could have said, trying to decide how bad the thing I said was. Very little of these thoughts are really directed toward those I may have hurt. They're focused on me, my social performance, my reputation, my embarrassment, me me me. The anxiety says I need to focus on myself and improve and be perfect and never hurt anybody. It's too much pressure. It's not realistic. It's extremely self-centered. And it's fundamentally flawed, this idea that I shouldn't hurt other people. The idea that my loved ones shouldn't hurt me. We should hurt eachother, at least sometimes. It shouldn't ever be the goal, but it is a real side-effect of being a person, and when we try not to hurt anyone, we don't show up honestly, we don't respect our own wants and needs, and we hurt ourselves. We…