awk is the standard general-purpose programming language

When I SSH to a VPS I just spun up, there's no guarantee whatever godforsaken LTS version of Ubuntu it's running has Node.js or Ruby on it, let alone some fancy-schmancy version manager. Python? Don't make me laugh—nobody in the last 20 years has been able to successfully install Python. So I use the language that doesn't waste my VALUABLE time: awk, which is the standard general-purpose programming language. Some of you may be skeptical. Some of you may be asking "what standard". I'll tell you what standard: the POSIX standard. Before Perl was a mere twinkle in anyone's eye, awk was here. You may say: "isn't awk an utility for extracting data from text files with tab-separated values." To which I say: 99% of programming is extracting data from files and putting it into other files in various ways. awk already knows that's what you want to do, so it skips all the bullshit like "opening a file" or "creating a stream" or, God forbid, "allocating memory". Now you may say, "surely awk is…