before the trip

before the tripBefore a trip with F., I find myself thinking back on all the trips I’ve ever taken for the sake of someone else, or, if I were more of a romantic, I’d say "for the sake of love." I think about how, after those trips, things never turned out the way I’d imagined; how often I felt deeply sad afterward, and how long it took me to recover. My mom found some photos and videos from 2016. Looking at myself back then, I felt such pity for myself; it was a terrible time. I think I was suffering from prolonged depression, yet I wasn't in therapy or part of any circle where I could talk about my feelings or what I was going through. I look at myself from ten years ago, I was so beautiful, and my body was beautiful, too, yet back then, I thought I was horribly fat and convinced myself I’d be alone forever. Now, I don't think I’ll necessarily end up alone forever, but perhaps I’ll never have that one person with whom I spend the better part of my life. And maybe I’ll never have…