Soho Art Gallery Replaces Paintings' Style Descriptions with Artist Actuarial Info

In an effort to provide transparent valuation metrics for high-net-worth investors, Soho art dealer Cal Lector announced today that his gallery will begin printing the artist’s exact proximity to death directly on each painting’s wall plaque.Alongside traditional details like title, year, and medium, every piece now features an official mortality status indicator to help collectors evaluate speculative appreciation.“Historically, buyers had to guess whether an artist was living healthily or on the verge of doubling the secondary market value of their catalog,” Lector explained, gesturing toward an abstract oil painting priced at four hundred thousand dollars. “We are eliminating the guesswork. When you look at a wall tag now, you know immediately whether you are buying a long-term hold or a high-yield short-term play.”The gallery’s current exhibition features five standardized actuarial categories: Deceased, Palliative Care, Not Doing Great If We Are Being Honest, Somehow Fine Despite…