brainwashing

ive come to enjoy daydreaming so much that i wonder if real life can be equally as satisfying when i was a kid i came up with this coping mechanism where id tell myself i secretly enjoyed things that distressed me. the anxiety of a balloon being filled to the brim. the sensation of the dentists fingers prodding around - strange metal tools whirring and grinding away. being unsure, rejected, hurt. i crossed my wires bad i dont get a lot of satisfaction from climax. this doesnt have to do with sex (but i dont like that either.) ive convinced myself the pit in my stomach on an incline is more enjoyable than reaching the peak. that lightheaded feeling when im so scared i could vomit... the uncertainty before release. its fleeting and intangible .. if i could draw it out forever i would i wish i could find comfort in the relief of that tension. in the safety of a settled stomach and knowing what to expect. in security sometimes i think being able to depend on things going wrong at a…