Fighting to stay alive

Before reading this please know I'm fine, I just need to have my lil vent. I have a safety plan and am aware of crisis resources in my area TY <3 I am not feeling good. Most days I struggle to just go through the motions and pretend I'm functioning, I am no longer human There is always something new which comes up and fucking ruins my day, I should be used to it by now but I'm really not. Even the smallest, dumbest things break me I'm still trying though, I've joined an Alternatives to Suicide support group and I'm looking at psychwards to admit myself but it's fucking hard Trying to fix my head is exhausting, I've tried so much and gotten my hopes up too many times only to be hurt when it fails My breakdown is coming (if it hasn't started already), the moment when I can't keep up the mask and just start to spiral. I don't know if being forced to give up on the whole act will bring me freedom or make me worse Until then I'll just keep struggling, desperately thrash in the water until…