lobotomising love

i open up to love it's what being human is about right? paying the price for it grief i know people who keep reaching out for love are courageous and strong hopeful a little mad despite the destruction\ i think i've decided to be a coward i've opened up to romantic love two times nearly not enough for a lifetime but enough to shut it off again for a few years i cannot be loved i cannot love it's simpler this way\ i try to convince myself that the pain is worth it they say it's just a matter of learning the way to love trying to love more so you get better learn lessons find the right person at the right time learn to gather courage to be vulnerable or be open to connection work consistently on it show up communicate i've tried it all it's easier to give up i honestly don't know how others do it please give a pill that kills my desire to be loved it's a curse\ goodbye holding hands goodbye embraces goodbye kisses goodbye intimacy goodbye touch goodbye consoling goodbye holding goodbye…