The Anything Bagel Challenges The Everything Bagel’s Dominance

Lower East Side institution Schmear & Sons unveiled a revolutionary new breakfast item today. Their new Anything Bagel is designed to disrupt the traditional seed hierarchy.For decades, the Everything Bagel reigned supreme with its predictable combination of poppy seeds, sesame seeds, garlic, onion, and coarse salt. But head baker Oliver Schmear realized that “Everything” was actually a timid, narrow concept that excluded thousands of perfectly good ingredients.“The Everything Bagel lies to the consumer,” Schmear explained, wiping flour from his apron. “It contains five toppings. That is not everything; that is five things. The Anything Bagel corrects this deceit by allowing literally any edible substance in the shop to be baked onto the crust.”The inaugural batch of Anything Bagels features a chaotic topping distribution that includes crushed Doritos, gummy bears, maple syrup, chocolate chips, a single maraschino cherry, rainbow sprinkles, and blue cheese crumbles. Rather than…