am i finally close to the finality of this ultrahollowing? can i ever be myself again..?

i am kinda exhausted, i have been tending to a group of about 3-5 crack smoking paranoid degenerates for the past few weeks, and my anhedonia/executive dysfunction and general numb feeling of being dead inside has returned with a flaming intensity- i genuinely feel sometimes as if my life is not one continuous contingent string of memories, but rather a few bursts of lucidity amongst these vast and unknown gaps of time. every once in a while- if i am lucky enough to be so fucking broke that i cant even manage to get enough to buy the bare minimum of a 20a day- i begin.... to re emerge. it is like waking from a dream. a bad one.... sorry. i hope this isnt like, absolutely impossible to comprehend. maybe someone will feel it/relate. i dont really understand what is so extremely and essentially compelling that causes me to so erratically and desperately send out these sos signals and errant lonely and hopeful transmissions, all to ever so slightly move the line over ever so slightly,…