This is a letter for you, Dad

It’s been four years since I talked to you. I wonder if you would still be here if I had paused my life and put all my energy into helping you get back on your feet. Confused about my own life’s purpose, I didn’t dare to imagine a life without you. I thought you would return to being the father I knew, just as you had after the first big surgery. You were in pain for several years, and all I had to do was invest a few months to be your personal cook, trainer, and most importantly, your companion. When I walk alone, I think about the trips we never took. I ask myself: what if I had convinced you to refuse the surgery that left you in unimaginable pain for those last three months? What if we had both prayed and accepted your impending death? After dwelling on the what-ifs, I imagine taking you to a quiet forest filled with cypresses. We both lie down on a wooden deck and watch the sky filled with greens and blues. We hear the birds and the wind moving in their own directions. I hold…