139 - focus

catching myself falling into bad habits again. it really takes so little for all my carefully cultivated resilience to fall away, huh? check your phone every 20 seconds for a notification. become so paranoid that you hear the phantom vibrations. let your eyes wander around the room constantly, never focusing so that you never have to focus. open social media. close social media. open it again to make sure it updated. there's nothing new there. force yourself not to open anything else. focus on the conversation around you. nevermind. stare at the wall. you're at dinner with friends. you agreed to come along because its exactly the type of invitation you've been hoping for. go outside to sit on the wall and cry halfway through the night. you can't focus. your eyes wander everywhere. you are everywhere but here. you smudged your eyeliner. its fine. the person you're trying to impress isnt here. she's everywhere except here. eat a little. not too much. you feel like you'll throw up. the…