why do I still discipline myself into shame?

As I enter a new chapter of my life, I keep wanting to become more "disciplined" - better at my job, better at writing, better at making money. When I dissect my thought process, though, I realize that, most of the times, my discipline runs on shame: I don't have enough money saved, which means I can't afford things, which means I am less than my peers, which means I have to instill a rigid, iron discipline to make up for my inadequacy. In other words, I spent 25 years mistaking self-punishment for self-improvement, and it's taking forever to drill this mind shift into my head. Even writing this, I am feeling the friction of it. I am not entirely convinced of my own words, and I momentarily wondered if a passing-by reader will sense my reluctance. I want to delete a part of me that always existed, the part that achieves through fear, and it's making me nervous. If shame built everything I'm proud of, why would I change that now? And what happens if I dissolve it? I don't trust fake…