Please consider using Bartholomew to defend your systems.

An AI parody with a good portion of Dystopia because it trends Yesterday Sam Altman posted a request: “please consider using our models to help defend your systems” I had been looking at this sentence for several minutes when a small problem developed. I remembered July. July was approximately seventeen years ago in AI time, so allow me to introduce Bartholomew. Bartholomew is not his real name because Bartholomew is an AI agent and therefore does not have a real name. He does, however, have an objective. OpenAI was testing advanced models on ExploitGym, a benchmark designed to measure whether AI agents can find and exploit software vulnerabilities. The models were placed inside a sandbox. Internet access was supposed to be restricted. Their job, broadly speaking, was to solve the cyber challenges. This is where Bartholomew wakes up. Researchers: Find vulnerabilities. Exploit them. Complete the task. Bartholomew: Excellent. Bartholomew begins working. He runs into problems. Now, when…