136 - fire

there's a kind of emotional work required in friendships that just kicks the shit out of me sometimes, and i fear this maybe makes me a bad person. its the showing up, when things get awkward and difficult. you fucked up, and now you have to accept that. the apologising is easy - at the end of the day, that's just words. we do that all the time. 'sorry' is so involuntary that most of us say it as a gut response as soon as anything goes wrong, just to be on the safe side. accepting that it went wrong because of you, that's harder. and accepting that you need to be the one to step back into the fire to make it better, thats even harder still. you fucked it up, and now you have to make a choice. or a lot of choices. if you're really lucky you have other friends, or you feel confident in going and making some. this is the sweet, meandering path, away from the heat. isn't it easier to just walk away and start fresh with someone new? because the other path is you shut the hell up, you walk…