The Speedrunning Essay

You know what's hilarious? Scientology speedruns.If you, too, are late to the party, this is a shadowbanned TikTok trend from April of 2026. It takes effort to run down actual footage without feeding the attention economy lampreys, but hey, wait, was that a “Subway Surfers” meme‽ ((Bonus points for the Jesus and Sonic outfits. Anyone got a Travolta mask?))I, much like L. Ron Hubbard, fucking hate runners.^[Look up “fair game” in Scientology. Also, see Leah Reimini's decade-old AMA on Reddit.] Or any game with a level timer. Or rails. Or walls of death. Or timed hits and QTEs.^[Maybe I don't like video games.] Basically anything that doesn't let you take things at a vaguely abstracted, happy-go-lucky pace. We veterans of the early 90’s Console Wars know our limits. How are you supposed to aim all of your attention at a single curved screen when you have CDs to listen to, printouts from GameFAQs to underline, snacks to inhale, and a little sister to convince it's still your turn for…