paranoia

I felt a lot of shame today. Shame about what I am. Who I am. What I like. Who I like. Shame for being me. Shame for being free. When I feel shame I also get paranoid. Today I’ve been paranoid. Paranoid that people are listening in. Paranoid I’ll be taken away. Paranoid that I’m in trouble. Paranoid that I’ll be killed. That’s the scary one. Sometimes I get scared that because I’m different. Because I choose to be myself, and different and odd, that one day the people in my life will gang up and kill me. Kind of like the chimpanzee’s in rise of the warrior apes. And no one will be the wiser or care. Because I’m trying to change too much. trying to Be too much. Trying to push too much. And it’s scary sometimes. Because I don’t know if it’s my hunter gatherer brain trying to protect me or real life. I think it is hunter gatherer brain but it’s hard to argue against it sometimes. Hard to say that I’m safe and that it’s all ok. At least that’s how I feel.