AB-Solute Sexiness!

Every now and then I start thinking maybe I should diet. This is because, according to every piece of media everywhere, I am not a man until I have abs. And while I've never seen my abs, I assume they're around here somewhere - possibly hiding under 37 years of extra cheese.Luckily, I work at Cake Wrecks and so have a handy guide as to what my abs will look like during the dieting process.First, after losing my initial cheese-ton of weight, I'll probably just have a lot of extra loose skin: My sexiness will have begun. Then, after hundreds and hundreds of hours in the gym, I will develop the coveted "3 pack:" "Look into my pectoral eyes, and weep at my chiseled beauty. WEEP, I SAY." Which will soon begin to divide... ...and look mildly shocked at being discovered. Later, after countless thousands more hours in the gym and a steady diet of kale and corn husks, my abs will really start to spread out: Like Twinkies under a blanket.Mmmm Twinkies... And finally, after years of neverending,…