drs and loved ones hate this one trick

i never hauled myself out of mental illness before, but for a brief while, through some miracle, i was almost functional. relapsing back to being insane feels even more shit than living in the mental gutter 24/7 ever did. watching everything collapse in real time, its my fault but im trying to hold it up. i wanna handle my own problems but i cant, i ask for help and just... theres nothing, no reply. whatever. life is shit, no news there.