fear

Fear. I feel fearful today. Fearful I’ll lose my footing. Fearful I’ll lose my life. Fearful I’ll lose my friends and my family. Fearful that I’ll lose myself. This fear is deep within me. I feel most of all the fear of embarrassment. Embarrassed by myself. My body. My look. My face. My actions. My manners. My step. My ability or lack there of. My sins. My flaws. My mistakes. The things that make me, me. The things that I can’t seem to shake. Embarrassed about my family. Embarrassed about myself. Embarrassed about being hurt by someone who doesn’t even know me. Embarrassed for using ai as a therapist. Embarrassed about therapy. Embarrassed I can’t pay for therapy. Embarrassed I can’t pay for anything. Embarrassed about money; specifically the lack of it. Embarrassed about power. Wanting it, having it, using it, abusing it. Embarrassed about writing; my writing and me writing at all. Embarrassed about putting myself out there. Embarrassed about falling on my face. Embarrassed about…