Anticipatory Grief

I’ve been drowning. I’ve been trying to keep my head above a raging storm of feelings that I never knew had a collective name when put together: anticipatory grief.1 Obviously, like everything in my life, once I can put a name to something, I end up going down the rabbit hole of research. I needed to understand what it was I was feeling. The sadness, the guilt, the moments of numbness are all real feelings, even though the one I'm grieving is still here. For me, it’s Cocoa. Sometimes I feel guilty for grieving someone who is still napping beside me. Other times, my mind wanders to a future without her, and I immediately wish I could take that thought back. I’m trying to learn that those feelings don’t mean I’m giving up on her or wishing time would move faster. They’re just a part of loving someone whose time with me is becoming even more precious. In between all my crying, I’ve found myself trying to freeze certain moments in my mind. I’ll hug Cocoa a little longer and close my eyes,…