12 days to go…

I’ve been feeling like my parents are going to die again. I don’t know why but I often ruminate about that. Something to do with fear of abandonment and childhood I’m sure. It’s not the most fun to ruminate on. I don’t think it serves me. I think it’s been a reoccurring thought for over 10 years now. Same with my grandparents and my brothers and my cousins and really anyone I love. It’s not a fun feeling. Breath in. Breath out. I remember my first year of university when, 2014, crying in my dorm thinking my grandparents were going to die soon. I think I had just heard about my grandma starting to have Alzheimer’s then. 12 years later and they just passed away this year. Grandma in January. Grandpa in June. Damn. 12 years is a long time to be bracing for a death. Now that they are gone. I don’t know. I feel… many different ways. Sad, relief, guilt, happy, grateful, heavy. A a cacophony of emotions. Some of it makes much sense. Some of it doesn’t. I’m just kind of rolling with it. Im…