Government Reports 90% of Citizens Waste Quarterly Teleport on Trip from Couch to Bed

The Global Portal Infrastructure allows every citizen to instantly transport themselves anywhere on Earth exactly once every three months.When the system went live, the initiative was hailed as a miracle of modern physics. It was designed to eliminate global carbon emissions from the airline industry, reunite distant families, and foster a new era of borderless cultural exchange. The government anticipated a surge of weekend trips to the Louvre, impromptu hikes in the Himalayas, and seamless international diplomacy.However, recent spatial audit data from the Department of Transportation reveals that Americans are almost exclusively using their allotted quantum jumps to travel distances of less than fifteen feet.“We built a globally synchronized quantum transit network,” said Secretary of Spatial Logistics Miles A. Way. “But our servers are currently overloaded by people who fell asleep watching television and do not want to walk down their own hallway.”According to the report, users…