Dear Aliens... oh, nevermind

A few months ago, I entered a writing contest called "Dear Aliens." The concept was to write a short piece communicating what aliens visiting Earth should know before they arrive. What a fun premise! I couldn't resist sending in an entry, which I've reproduced in its entirety below. This was also the first (and possibly only) "writing contest" I've entered. If you know me, I hope you'll find that my entry reflects perfectly my oeuvre: Alas, I did not win, place, or even show. To see the entries that did win, visit the contest website.