Sleepless on the Orient Express

Today’s question is, “What do you do to improve your sleep?” and frankly, I find the question offensive. But if you must know, my current sleep strategy consists of being a night owl until about 3:00 AM, getting a light dusting of unconsciousness, and then waking up for work feeling like I was hit by a bus. If I’m lucky, those three hours of rest are accompanied by vivid, highly stressful anxiety dreams where I’m trying to pass a math test I didn’t study for while being chased by an irate landlord. It’s a flawless system. My only real attempt at “improvement” involves British murder mysteries. Every night, I turn on a Hercule Poirot audiobook. Not because I care who killed the much-hated-richer-than-god patriarch but because they’re narrated by Hugh Fraser—the actor who played Captain Hastings in the TV show—and he has the most beautiful, soothing voice in human history. It’s like being gently tucked into bed by a 1930s gentleman. All prim and proper and coattails. It’s a lovely…