Now That's What I Call Freedom!

America is turning 250 this Saturday, and you know what that means. It means Chinese fireworks, and the ER at your local hospital preparing to treat burns, your health insurance company is preparing to deny your claims, and most importantly, think pieces on the Internet about the sad state of our alleged democracy. Don't worry, I swear this isn't a think piece. I'm too tired to think much these days. Consider this an unthink piece.You see, to me, as a passionate, patriotic, all-American pickle, the 4th of July really means Freedom™, which has nothing to do with democracy. Freedom™, of course, means... something. I don't know exactly what, but I can tell you what I've learned from growing up in the birthplace of Freedom™, the United States of America. The first thing I know is that Freedom™ is only found in America. I also know that Freedom™ isn't free. I learned that from Bumper Sticker University when I was in my 20s. Yes, I'm old enough that when I went to college Twitter University…