The Babies Are Conspiring

Visualize me donning a big, pointy tin foil hat and speaking in my best ex cathedra voice: Babies are born knowing how to crawl. They're all just conspiring to hide it from us. Sure, when you set them down they put on an air of helplessness. They aimlessly move their arms, poking their own eyes and plucking out their own pacifiers as if they have no motor control. But it's all clever deception that breaks the moment you put them on your chest. If they think there's milk to be had, they will drop the facade and skillfully maneuver themselves straight to your nipple. We cannot stand for this sort of deception! It is time for us to rise up and mobilize before they... er... um... Huh. I can't think of any danger that comes from this particular conspiracy. Never mind. Carry on with your day.