painting nails and gossiping

I am not sure if others feel this, but I have always felt overwhelmed and uncomfortable standing out or being recognisable in a crowd. I want to blend in and disappear because that makes going outside and participating in the world easier. I wish that no one sees me or remembers me. Maybe I don't deserve to be seen. It feels like something one has to earn by being a worthy and whole person first. Sometimes I think, is this to disappear myself, or remain so invisible that I can look at others without reflection. It has been the only way to hide the noise of social anxiety for me. It manifests in wearing mostly all black, simple pants or shorts, and a band tshirt/long sleeve/hoodie. If I pick a shoe, a style, a look, it has to be safe and what the majority of people wear. Just enough to fit in and be in vogue, but not truly myself. The only real way I express myself is through my music tshirts. But that is such a trope for a 30 something millennial man. There you go, another way to…