june 24 bfd

Yesterday I wrote about being in a bad place, mental health wise. If you don't want to click, the TL;DR is that I got levelled by a panic attack. In truth I'm still feeling the aftershocks and reverberations ~30 hours later. My vision is still a bit blurry. There's a high pitched sound in my ears. My pelvic floor is still hypotonic and is causing issues with my hip and my sciatic nerve. So, yeah, physically I'm a wreck. But somewhere in the late afternoon my brain came back online. It's bruised, sure, but I'm lucid. I can think clearly. I am safe, I am loved, and I am lucky. Trauma is a funny thing. Sometimes it sits on your chest, sometimes it sits on your shoulder, and sometimes it's thin as a contact lens and soft as a whisper. But it's there. And you know it's there. And sometimes you can't not think about it. And when you think about it, your body reacts. Even now, skin feels thin, plasticky, and cool to the touch like the wrapper on an ice cream bar. I feel better, clearer, but…