Piranha (1978), or, You’re Gonna Need a Larger Number of Smaller Boats

I don’t know if I’ve ever felt so acutely unemployed as when I realized I’ve spent the day watching back-to-back Piranha movies. Anyway, after being disappointed by Piranha 3D, and a little unsettled because I’m not sure whether I’ve seen it before, I decided to go back and watch the original, which I’m certain that I haven’t seen. I would’ve been too scared in the 1970s, and then after that, too scared that it was as bad as it looked. It’s been well established that kids growing up around the time I did were taught to be terrified of killer bees and quicksand. But I remember the fear of piranha — or as pronounced by exactly two of the characters in this movie, piraña — being just as strong. It was the kind of primal and completely irrational fear that putting even a finger into any natural body of water would end up with me pulling up a gristly bone. That fear is what Piranha was trying to tap into, but also I think we’re all aware of what Piranha was really trying to tap into: the…