I don’t feel safe crying at hospital

I was crying in the operating room before the surgery started Not because I thought I was going to die Not because the procedure was especially dangerous Not because the staff were cruel to me I was crying because I was lying there in a hospital gown while my body was being moved around underneath me. I was staring at the ceiling unable to really see what was happening while people around me touched and arranged my body Everything was medically normal but it struck a painful part of my brain The surgeryThe surgery was wound closure under general anaesthetic after self-harm which already added a lot of weight to the experience I had cut myself and been the one to cause the wound so needing treatment already came with shame attached. I did not feel like a normal patient with an unlucky injury, I felt like someone who had created a problem and now needed other people to fix it If I cried too much, asked for too much or made the room harder I was scared it would become part of the mental…