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i feel as though i am constantly begging for everyone's time, and i really dont like any part or consequence of that feeling - - -"no, i can't ask them if they wanna hang out, i haven't earnt that yet" is a fucked up thought to have on the bus at 7:49pm about someone you met last weekend - - -the idea of a night to yourself being a luxury rather than a mild torment at best - - -yesterday i spent 4 hours texting someone, and no part of it was about drama or mental illness or trauma. it was immensely lovely, and it felt so immensely alien also - - -counting the days feels like cutting off fingers - - -i write this here because no matter who i might otherwise share it with, i would feel like i was trying to guilt them into something. and i'm not, i swear i'm not, i never want you to feel like that - - -it just weighs so heavily on my heart - - -every time i reach out, i have to convince myself i'm worthy first. i daydream about what it would be like to not do that - - -i know im just…