late nights in the middle of june

David Hockney, Red Celia, 1984M and I talk about how we no longer wish to be dominated by relationships, knowing that we both like to be consumed. What I’ve learned is that you should choose your consumption carefully. During my last relationship I kept trying to negotiate the working conditions—can we just do this, so it can be a little better? I felt that what I fundamentally needed was transparency. Those conversations never went anywhere, and after a while I refused to have them.When I was feeling particularly frustrated, I would think about how if the apocalypse happened and we all had to go into nuclear bunkers, the object of my affections would probably put me in the bunker two doors down. And then he would apologize, in that helpless, hapless way—what else is there to do? J says I am eminently lovable. I had the thought that last week that a problem I have with my therapist is that she loves me too much. This stresses me out because it reminds me of my mom, who loves me with…