I Miss the Comfort in Suffering

I don't even know how to describe my feelings over the last few days Pain feels close, it's unambiguously bad while still describe a clear objective feeling but whatever I'm feeling isn't physical I want to scream and shout but my stupid ugly moth brain won't dare let me make a sound or do something that might draw even the tiniest of attention to what's going on I wish I had a friend who would just let me cry, I know people in my life who probably would listen and care about me but my mind has found a million ways to exclude them: Dealing with their own issues or I don't want to ruin their good mood To close to me and I don't want them to think I'm always depressed or not close enough and I don't want to ruin the friendship I always thought that in some strange poetic sense I had found comfort in suffering, like terrible things happening to me meant I didn't need to deal with the anxiety of something that makes me happy being too good to be true But where the fuck is my comfort now?…