thinking about my gender, or lack thereof

I don't think about my gender. I have identified as nonbinary and agender for about ten years at this point, and while I use they/them pronouns and ask that my partner and my friends use those pronouns for me, I don't really care if they happen to occasionally slip up or if a stranger misgenders me. I feel really detached from gender. I don't think of myself as a man or a woman - I think of myself as me. My name is Desi and I think of myself as a person named Desi. I don't experience any dysphoria when I dress a certain way because I don't think clothes are gendered. I don't experience dysphoria when I'm menstruating because I don't think of that as a biological process of womanhood or something - it's just another thing that my body does. There are some things that cause me to feel... maybe not dysphoria, but as if I'm performing gender. Wearing makeup or having longer hair makes me feel that way. I feel as if I'm a child, trying on their mother's clothes and playing dress-up. I feel…