Astray 13

I returned to Felkirk for a few days. Again I noticed the difference between the monastery proper and my room in the annexe. In church and at meals there was a formal stillness. Back in my room, it vanished. I lay on the bed, turned on the television, scrolled on my phone and my mind slackened. I thought about masturbating or going down the road for a half before evensong. As usual, there were a couple of Oxbridge men, guests whose ingratiating manner confused me. Their words dripped with irony — so unlike those of the Brothers. I couldn’t tell if they were mocking or being polite. At lunch a young man in jeans at the table said, when asked, that he came from a non-denominational church in Nottingham. Ah, said one of the men with a sly smile, very different I imagine. Come to see how we do things, are you? Yes, he said, without returning the smile, just wanted to see what it was like. Later I saw him in the apple orchard. I didn’t see you at mass, I said. I went to the offices, he…