It has been a few weeks since I last updated this... whatever it is. It felt so alive a month ago. Of course one month ago I was in the midst of a wild hypomanic episode, amongst the strongest and longest I've ever experienced. That has its pros and cons. Pros: I was able to do things. Like really do things. No overthinking, no doubting, no throwing up barriers to prevent things or rationalizing via an endless stream of excuses. I just did. Fuck the consequences. That's kind of liberating. To feel free to express, to be able to relate, and to just feel like a fucking human being as opposed to my usual zombie state. I was making plans. Feeling optimistic. Looking forward to life and a future, even if the current conditions of life, both personal and external, seem dire and feel hopeless. I was able to exist for a moment comfortably in my little crevice and feel that was enough. That that little crevice and little existence and small dreams are big enough to make life worth living...…
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