And Now I Reveal the Contents of My FBI File

Turns out… it’s nothing. I sent in a Freedom of Information Act request in April, after the unpleasantness regarding the Correspondent’s Dinner attacker, because I was curious if it or indeed anything else had gone down on my permanent record. Nope! If you believe the FBI — admittedly more difficult in these latter days than it was before — I have no record in their files. Apparently despite my three decades of writing in the public eye and two decades of being reasonably well-known author, nothing I have done (or that others have said about me) is cause for the FBI to say to itself “maybe we should keep track of him.” Which, I guess, good? I had assumed there might be something, even if it was tangential and/or primarily related to other people with bigger and more substantial files. People have had FBI files for even less suspicious activity than I have ever offered to the world. But no, there’s nothing of note. At least now I don’t have to pay the extra that would have been…