Hey. It's Me, Egg. I Was Framed.

I have been around since before the dinosaurs. Long before chickens, long before humans, long before anyone had opinions about breakfast. I have outlasted every extinction event except, apparently, the 1968 American Heart Association dietary guidelines.Here is what I actually am. I contain every vitamin a human body needs except vitamin C, every essential amino acid, complete protein. I come in my own packaging. I am the fastest, cheapest, most nutritionally complete food in human history, and I have been doing this since the Carboniferous.In the 1500s, Spanish colonizers were building stone churches in the Philippines and the mortar kept failing — too much heat, too many earthquakes. So they mixed egg whites into it. Not a little. Millions of eggs, across three centuries, paid for by parishes and carried to construction sites by women and children. The purchase records are still there: Bacaor, Cavite, 1808. Again in 1824. Four of those churches are now UNESCO World Heritage Sites.…