Translated Excerpts from the Private Journal of Cary Catcheur, Court Painter to the House of Habsburg

September 3, 1520I have officially spent one year in the service of King Charles and I am already contemplating jumping from the palace ramparts. The man is a physical marvel. He has the bone structure of a marble statue and a perfectly aligned profile. Unfortunately, he also possesses the personality of a wet brick. He spent four hours today chewing roasted almonds with his mouth open and clicking his tongue at my apprentices while explaining the “art” of tax collection.To amuse myself, I decided to paint his lower jaw protruding an extra six inches. It juts out from the canvas like a dropped anvil. I presented the underpainting to him and he nodded, claiming it captures his “stony regal authority.” He is an absolute fool.August 12, 1524Archduke Ferdinand refused to reimburse my carriage fare from Innsbruck today, citing a “strategic budget freeze” in the royal treasury. I responded by painting his eyes pointing in completely opposite directions and gave him a forehead the shape of a…