Did you ever love her?

In 2016, in August, I went to China. This is just one chapter. I got on the plane and things, as always, are sacred place. I just didn’t sleep, and reached this liminal state between sleep and wake. By the time the layover landed in Shanghai, I was under waves of tiredness, but a core of me was wired. I felt like the crew of the pirate song pilgrims on a long journey, that as long as I moved without speeding up or slowing down, I would make it. I’d arrive physically and spiritually. Not mentally, since my mind had gone by then. I was struck by how the Shanghai Pudong airport was just an ugly place. With fuck all to eat. Back on the plane, still no sleep. I took out my iPad and started scribbling down math. The plane touched down. I wasn’t in the window seat, so I stared across, leaning past the guy in the window, looking at the lights, the orange haze from above in Beijing. I called a cab. It wound its way into the very heart of the city on the inner ring, into the fanciest looking…