Clear the way or I’ll cut your eyes out and feed them to the gulls. The honor guard lieutenant looked like he meant it. The wives dispersed, the men wavered to show their mettle before thinking better of it. The auctioneer’s mustache was as shiny as Gavin Newsom’s hair. His purple coat and its fine lapis lazuli buttons gleamed. Sullen slaves shuffled under the weight of the tabernacle. The auctioneer gave his best kindly smile and directed them to place it on the dais. They stared at him, unblinking. Then they went. Obviously, I need not explain what this marvel before us is. Bidding starts at $40,000. Do I hear $40,000?! 43! How about you sir, what do you dare before your people and gods? Do you know how rare it is for a man and lard to be mixt like this Substance is? The crowd bayed in rapturous gnashing. The sight of the relic inflamed their passions. They pined for its aspect. Sotheby’s feared they would rush them and destroy the Substance. Fishwives caterwauled, dispersing any…
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